24th of May 2019
I am disturbed.
Today, I should have been in the safe privacy of my bedroom in Gurgaon instead of this very public coffee shop. It’s difficult to write about your depression when in public. The choices I made. The coffee I am having. It sucks.
I have been on anti-depressants since February this year, the doctor says I should have come to her 10 years ago. I know she is right. The medicines are failing me or I am failing them.. one of the two things is happening.
People have their own ways for me to fight it. A couple of them suggested some good ones too. I know ways myself. But where is the will? Where is the energy? Where is the strength? All that I am surrounded with are Triggers. My triggers are strangely the things they expect me to be grateful for.
I guess I got too used to being alone that someone’s company in itself is a trigger now. Noise, people. There is a lot of noise. I think if I scream, I will lose my voice.
I have to spend half an hour more in this coffee shop. Or I will have to stuff my mouth with shittier things I am least interested in. Where will I go from here?
I have been crying in public. I wait for the train so that I can wail. Wail without an expression. Sort of comical but tragic. It’s so amazing…and pathetic at the same time how a person with depression is such an underrated actor. We are crying within, like most of the time, and smiling in front of the world. No one gets to know unless a bad episode gives it away when they look at our eyes or maybe the dishevelled hair. I did not look at my face today.
I hate being asked, “Why?”
Don’t you know? I can’t help it. Please understand that I cannot help it, not right now.
Don`t ask me “Why?”
As if…I am wrong.
We fight guilt, anxiety, frustration and fatigue.
I want to sleep. Just lie down, have a chocolate, be around my mother and sleep. You ask me what I want.
I cannot write about it right now.
Why don’t you magically turn up here, sit in front of me.. hold my hand, fix my hair.. and tell me, “I am going to fix everything.”
You ask me what I want. How can I ask you to love me when I am just impossible to love?
Oh it’s difficult to write right now. Have you ever done this? Tears well up and you look at lights… they look so beautiful. And… how you end up with teary eyes in public and you try so hard that tears don’t pop out and they dry up. And then something happens. You just can’t hold back anymore, they well up again and all you want to do is howl. But.