What is it like today…

What is the color of the day? It is black. It is dark..

Sushant Singh Rajput took that step yesterday. He did not have anybody in the same room to stop him, to hold his hand or scold him and hug him, cry with him. He is no more.. it is still unbelievable..when you see his face splashed on the news portals and social media feeds. It is beyond sad, it is tragic. Someone with so much promise, ambition and dreams had to exit like that. People would like to believe he is in a better place, maybe he is smiling and is at peace now. Free. I am sure people who do manage to take that extreme final step do it to set their soul free. Freedom means different things to different people. And then, there are people who are left behind. His father, his family, his friends, friends turned foes.

Of course he was depressed, he was prescribed medicines, but was he taking them? It happens – we just stop taking them. Medicines made me feel worse, I stopped too. But I changed my environment, I got rid of most of what was trigerring me and every day is a new day. There are days when you just enter this massive black hole where it’s just you and your thoughts. Hopeless thoughts.

Why was he depressed? Why are you depressed? Why was I? Does it ever go away? Or we just learn to tackle, if we are lucky. But we are humans. We are bound to slip and that slip is as dangerous as a drunk person driving a car at a high speed or a blind person crossing the road by herself. We need a hand. The problem is, we often don’t trust that hand. We refuse help, we close the doors. Or we don’t want to bother someone with our “small” problems when there are so many in the world right now.

My depression is not as bad as yours or yours is not as bad as mine. Who is to judge?

This happened with me! That happened with you! Okay…. there was a time we were dealt a shitty hand and things did not go our way. And our minds were wired in a way that we slipped into this murky world of Depression. Some of us were lucky and we got help immediately. We were counselled and the extreme cases were prescribed medication too. Some of us managed to complete the course, some of us stopped taking the medicines without telling anybody… and some of us decided to stop existing and made our exit. He did not leave a note.

Was he more depressed than you? Would you judge him for leaving? Would you call out on people who abandoned you? Would you not consider for a second that anybody could be dealing with the same.

We expect from our family and friends. When we are going through depression, we build these walls all around us and we are brilliant actors. We smile, much more than a person who is not depressed. The eyes do give away. Some people see through it and wonder. Some people reach out and ask, “Are you fine?”, some of those get an honest answer… but most of the well wishers get, “Yes, yes, I am good. Hope you are good too!”

And people go to sleep.

People sleep. You sink. You drown. You die.

I don’t think my situation is worse than yours, neither is yours worse than mine. “Nobody suffers like I do, nobody but you.” I want to tell you that I know it’s so bad, I know you want to just end it now. I know you think there’s just no point now. But there is.

Whenever I was in that place and I looked down from the balcony or when I looked at a knife… I forced myself to close my eyes. I closed my eyes because I knew what I would see. I see the faces of the people who love me so much. These people who are just humans, who are bound to fail to help me at times, but they are the humans who just want to see me happy and my death would shatter them, I will kill them too. How could I do that to them. They would live their life thinking they failed me.

Nobody fails you. People just do what they can, when they can, because even they are dealing with life, in their own way. Even they have a past, they might have gone through shit, they might be as depressed as you – just not obvious. If you have experienced Depression, you are naturally empathetic. Otherwise, you are just self-involved and over-expecting of people.

People call them cowards. I hate it when that happens. I don’t think people who decide to end their lives are either cowards or strong. They are just so tired, hopeless and alone that leaving seems to be the only way out. What I can understand is, they are tired of being a pain, to themselves and their closest ones.

And that is what is so sad about this situation. The inability to express. The lack of trust and faith. The self loathing that comes with how you become when you are depressed. There is anger, sometimes violence. There is endless crying, there is destruction of careers and dreams. There is suicide.

The finality. The irreversible.

What to say then? He’s gone. His family has to live the rest of their lives with that image of their son, their brother, their friend…that is tragic. A young boy laid to rest much before his time. Too many unanswered questions, lots of broken hearts. Regrets. Blame games.

Wo to chala gaya. Wo kabhi wapas nahi aayega. He was alive a day before. He was calling someone. Maybe the calls went unanswered because of some genuine reason or maybe the calls were ignored. Whatever it is, he is gone.

There are times I ignore a phone call because I am not in the right frame of mind to talk, to fake. After yesterday, what I have decided is I am not going to ignore someone who’s trying to reach out. If I can’t help someone by saying something that could change their situation, I will just lend an ear, my hand to hold. You can lean on me. I won’t judge you because I have been on the brink too. I have spent days and nights in that black hole too. I know what it is like. I don’t want anybody to be there.

The pain of losing someone to suicide is inexplicable.No body should have to go through that. No one should reach that point. Nobody should be that alone.

Rest in peace, Sushant Singh Rajput. Everybody is sad you left. You were good, wish you had stayed, wish your dreams did come true, wish your death does not go in vain. </3

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3 comments

  1. Manoj Mehra · July 5, 2020

    Very well said.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Dipti Malhotra · July 6, 2020

      Glad you felt so πŸ™‚

      Like

  2. Excellent blog

    Liked by 1 person

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