My Diamond.

It’s been a long while since I have been close to anybody new and I think I am done for life too. I don’t think I can afford to meet someone I get so close to again, someone I start having expectations from and end up being disappointed. I prefer it this way. I get attached to things now – and then I get mad on some days and throw those things, hard.

Since time immemorial, or let’s just say, since I was born – I have not had many friends, you can call me a loner. When all the kids would be out after coming back from the school, I’d be finishing my homework. The kids would keep playing all evening and I made stories out of my pens and pencils – they were these characters I made, male and female. There were dialogues, mostly in my head and sometimes mumbled. I don’t know if my mum ever heard because she was usually home.

I don’t know why I remembered that “game” today, all of a sudden. I just enjoyed it a lot, time flew. There were dolls too. There were books and there were my thoughts; just like today. I have all the same things – my games, my thoughts, my solitude and no desire to meet someone – old or new.

I have reached a point where I cannot bear to sit with other people for long. I have this urge to go back. Or go away. Do my own thing.

I am in love with someone and I am married to him. He is more in love with me on most of the days…on other days, there’s cricket. Anyway, we are happy in our sweet little world living in our cozy home. It’s just with him that I can spend hours and it’s without him that I cannot deal with any other thing anymore. This dependence though scares me and there’s no going back. He is nothing like me. He is simple unlike me, I am a mess of contradictions and complexities. He is outgoing and you already know how I am. He is so easy to love and be around, unlike me – I am distant, off-the-map, closed. He can sleep anywhere, I even take my pillow and bedsheet if I have to spend the night somewhere other than on my bed. He is easygoing, I am outrageously difficult sometimes. Also, he is stable – I am depressive.

But he loves me for sure and nothing else should bother me.

It’s like he is my parent, my sibling, my husband, my bestest friend ever.

What worked with him? He just does not judge. He just lets me be. He just adores the worst parts about me, worst according to me.

We were looking at some recently recorded family videos. We were watching the same video but looking at two different things. I saw how much weight I had gained.. and he was saying, “Such a beautiful smile..”. He played that part again.

He made me smile, yet again.


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