Some things don’t change and there’s one thing about me that’s been constant since I was a small kid. My people say I’m still a small kid but then they don’t treat me like one! They expect me to act like an adult but call me a small chile and then there are some days they call me “wise”.
So the one thing that hasn’t changed or hasn’t left me is the fact that I need attention from the closest ones, specially when I’m not well. And even when I’m well. Ok, all the time. Priority? Yes. I want to be priority number 1 and when that doesn’t happen, (which is normal, I am not the queen of their world, I’m only a queen of mine), I get mad. Not hurt, I get mad.
It’s happening right now. And I’m too unwell to even be mad.
So I’m writing that I am mad 😦 and sick. And suddenly I’m reminded of my vice principal in school, who was also my English teacher in 12th. She called me to her chair once and asked me rather concerned, “Do you need anything? Do you feel deprived of anything?” It came as a surprise because I suddenly realised I could be noticed. Apparently she noticed me and reached out.
I didn’t have anything to say to her. So I smiled and said “no I was fine”, which obviously was a lie – my 12th standard was the beginning of things getting fucked up for me. Only if I had realised then that it’s important to talk about what’s bothering you.
Things could have been very different.